"Your children are not yours, are children of life can give them your love but not your thoughts, you can entertain
their bodies but not their souls, because they live in the house of tomorrow
. You are the bows from which your children are like arrows fired live
...".
(Kahil Gibran, "The Prophet")
The family as the first environment where the child enters the world, which will establish emotional bonds and wake up everything around him is the social group most importance will have to balance their development and throughout life. In addition to ensuring proper care for physical health, the family must provide educational guidelines that promote personal growth, these criteria are to facilitate reflection and assessment of situations in which to live, making it possible for our children understanding the world, of others, rules and personal role that different family members have to play. In the family, as a system that changes continuously and in which its members have rights and duties, requires the active participation and co-responsibility of each component thereof (father, mother, child a. .. .)
BASICS OF FAMILY.
The family serves many functions, among which we highlight the following: 1 .-
Meeting the basic needs of the child / a. Both physical needs are met (food), and affective and emotional.
2 .- The family is a source of information and transmission of values. Conversations and behaviors in the family allowed the child to acquire information to interpret the physical and social reality, and assimilate the beliefs of the culture.
3 .- The family acts as a control group that teaches and obliges its members to behave in a socially desirable. The family judged the conduct of the child, the rewards or punishes. This allows the child to understand that there are limits and standards to be met first in relation to family and adult in relation to society.
4 .- The family gives children models for imitation and identification. They have the opportunity to learn how to act from their parents or other family members and learn without having direct personal experience.
5 .- The family helps and teaches how to act in stressful situations. When a family member has a difficulty, the family shared with him, helps you to find appropriate answers, share your emotions, seek outside help, etc.. The members of the family are watching for signs that may indicate distress or difficulty of any of its members, helping to explain the problem.
6 .- The family is the social nucleus that serves to recover from stress, strain problems that have course costs for the individual. Here you can rest easy knowing that the person is accepted whatever the difficulty.
7 .- The family is a place of participation active child a. It participates in decisions affecting them, training in group relations is help and support.
Meeting the basic needs of the child / a. Both physical needs are met (food), and affective and emotional.
2 .- The family is a source of information and transmission of values. Conversations and behaviors in the family allowed the child to acquire information to interpret the physical and social reality, and assimilate the beliefs of the culture.
3 .- The family acts as a control group that teaches and obliges its members to behave in a socially desirable. The family judged the conduct of the child, the rewards or punishes. This allows the child to understand that there are limits and standards to be met first in relation to family and adult in relation to society.
4 .- The family gives children models for imitation and identification. They have the opportunity to learn how to act from their parents or other family members and learn without having direct personal experience.
5 .- The family helps and teaches how to act in stressful situations. When a family member has a difficulty, the family shared with him, helps you to find appropriate answers, share your emotions, seek outside help, etc.. The members of the family are watching for signs that may indicate distress or difficulty of any of its members, helping to explain the problem.
6 .- The family is the social nucleus that serves to recover from stress, strain problems that have course costs for the individual. Here you can rest easy knowing that the person is accepted whatever the difficulty.
7 .- The family is a place of participation active child a. It participates in decisions affecting them, training in group relations is help and support.
parenting styles.
educational styles are based on the goals that parents set in relation to their children and the strategies used to achieve them. That is, what parents want to occur with respect to their children and the means to achieve these desirable states. Thus, parents who adopt this style are often demanding, distant and cold. Worry less and do not listen to their children. Penalties apply and give orders routinely. These parents value obedience and believe in restricting the autonomy of the child Used very frequent physical punishment, verbal and physical threats and continued ban.
b) Democratic Style:
parents are firm and demanding, but are warm and communicative. They are willing to listen and explain the reasons for the rules to their children. Sometimes it can be punished, however tend to reward the good behavior of their children. The children educated in the democratic style are usually successful in their relationships with others, and cooperating with them. Democratic parents explain to their children the reasons for the establishment of standards, recognize and respect their individuality, negotiated through verbal exchanges and make decisions jointly with their children, thereby trying to encourage positive behavior and decreasing inappropriate.
c) Style permissive or laissez-faire:
The parents of this style are often not demanding and being affectionate. Down very few rules and avoid punishment. Also distrust their own abilities as parents. Their children tend to be insecure, having a poor self-concept of themselves and low self-esteem, so that these children tend to unhappiness and may present poor performance. In the permissive style, thus avoiding use of controls, making few demands on the child (you are asked or required little), showing the tolerant and accepting parents positive impulses of the child / a. Characteristic of this style are the children consented to reward them with no merit and are spared the slightest inconvenience. In this sense we can think about this: if education is to prepare for life, it is wrong to reward you with gifts and do not establish rules of conduct because the issues are not always resolved as we thought and the obstacles or problems are common throughout of life of the individual. Consider the following reasoning
own style permissive or laissez-faire:
A: - My child deserves everything.
B: - I have sufficient funds to buy my child everything he asks.
C: - then why should I deprive my child of what you want?
If the first phrase (A) means that you love the child and so incondiccional accepted (without condicciones), agreed. But it does mean that despite repeated course gives him the bike that was promised to pass, then you make a mistake.
The food, education, affection and love are given as incondiccional. Other items such as designer clothing, toys and electronic games ... can be provided so condiccionada the good behavior of child
Regarding the second phrase (B), when the child is young to and requests candy, toys and other goodies if can be satisfied. Without eembargo not deny anything or put limits on their behavior is the wrong strategy. The day that their requests are so exaggerated and unreasonable to have to say "no" hardly tolerate his fustracción because it has spoiled.
is therefore granting a mistake educate every whim and ignoring or avoiding child any discomfort. The child becomes more demanding spoiled, supports any sort of problem and collapses at the slightest disappointment.
This pattern of giving everything he wants and overprotective (to do things for him) to the daily difficulties is very tempting, especially for parents who are separated, divorced and for those who believe not enough time and attention devoted to them. Within this style
permissive or overprotective parents think,
"I care at all times my child is still not able to do this alone, I'm indispensable to him, you always need my help, I avoid as much damage as possible and more ...".
As a result of such thoughts appear the following emotions: "nervous when my daughter does things by herself, very bad when I separated from my son, guilty for not having prevented this or that danger ...".
And parents of this kind act as follows:
"I'm over it because to me it costs me, you do the duties associated with self-care and personal autonomy such as bathe, comb, tie his shoelaces or fixing anything related to the registration of the institute. "
As a result of this, it is normal for children educated in this permissive style displayed insecurity and low self-esteem because they do very little for themselves and attribute it to external causes (parents, friends, luck both successes ...), their failures.
There is also the risk of high anxiety (excessive fears, shyness, aggression, sleep difficulties, behavioral problems at home and at school). Educating for
happy does not mean spoiled, if not promote autonomy for the child knows to solve each time with less help the new situations that they face.
Research shows that both the children of families rigid (authoritarian) and the permissive households (laissez faire) are much more passive, dependent and withdrawn than the children of parents who combine interest and attention in establishing guidelines clear and consistent behavior.
some everyday situations in relation to parenting style may occur in everyday life situations such as:
- A pirate ... After
a busy week of work, Julius comes home on Friday night with the intention to relax and unwind. Nothing but the door is open to Gustavito you want us to fit the pieces of pirate parco removable.
- "Come on daddy, please ... if only for a while," he tells his dad Gustavito.
- "Tomorrow is too late now," Julio says his son, and sits comfortably on the couch watching the news on television.
Gustavito continues to insist: the pirate ship, pirate ship, pirate ship! Auffe!. Finally, Gustavito and his dad playing pirates.
- "Come on daddy, please ... if only for a while," he tells his dad Gustavito.
- "Tomorrow is too late now," Julio says his son, and sits comfortably on the couch watching the news on television.
Gustavito continues to insist: the pirate ship, pirate ship, pirate ship! Auffe!. Finally, Gustavito and his dad playing pirates.
- Telepasión:
4:45 pm. Ana Rocío is making coffee to sit at 5:00 to watch his favorite show "Belinda, the ugly or hard to watch." Meanwhile, Antonio Alberto, your child plays in the lounge and we can not go on all afternoon to play with his friends because he is punished for being outside the time agreed with their parents. Ana Rocío
He was wondering whether to end this series again so take that of hearing called "The mate because it was mine" or announcing "Passion and Love to the soup, when suddenly Antonio Alberto starts to ask you lets go out and play, which will only be an hour.
- "Mama let me come out I promise to come soon. "
At the right moment, had already started the series on TV and Ana Rocío not hear what they said the protagonists.
- "Well, go run and you go out for a while, but come back soon, eh," he tells his son.
- Well!, Antonio Alberto yells. And Ana Rocío
available to see and hear the happy ending of the stars of "Belinda, the ugly or hard to watch."
He was wondering whether to end this series again so take that of hearing called "The mate because it was mine" or announcing "Passion and Love to the soup, when suddenly Antonio Alberto starts to ask you lets go out and play, which will only be an hour.
- "Mama let me come out I promise to come soon. "
At the right moment, had already started the series on TV and Ana Rocío not hear what they said the protagonists.
- "Well, go run and you go out for a while, but come back soon, eh," he tells his son.
- Well!, Antonio Alberto yells. And Ana Rocío
available to see and hear the happy ending of the stars of "Belinda, the ugly or hard to watch."
- Saturday Night Fever:
Sara (16 years) is about to go out with their friends running. Room upside down. "Mami, I leave, I come to time that we said at 1:00 am here, "says Sara.
- "Eh! A moment before you order your room girl, "says the mother.
- "Jo, as you are!, I have no time, no see I'm late and if I find my friends as what should I do?. Never let me go out, not the parents of my friends. I have here enclosed as a ....".-con Sara
Continuing with his speech about the rights of minors.
- "Okay, go now but when you come pick it up before bed" says the mother. Sara slammed the door and down the stairs two by two.
- "Eh! A moment before you order your room girl, "says the mother.
- "Jo, as you are!, I have no time, no see I'm late and if I find my friends as what should I do?. Never let me go out, not the parents of my friends. I have here enclosed as a ....".-con Sara
Continuing with his speech about the rights of minors.
- "Okay, go now but when you come pick it up before bed" says the mother. Sara slammed the door and down the stairs two by two.
The children (children and adolescents) learn quickly to get the adults what they want, by hook (so funny), or other negative rather follow this scheme: Penalty-Protest "Pardon from punishment. Therefore, children get what they want, either a reward or pleasurable activity such as a toy, candy, money, sleep later, watch TV or failure to fulfill a task that can be boring as doing homework , making the bed, get away, setting the table ...
In this situation we can consider the following:
If the parent forgives the punishment and grant the request: What are the advantages that this parent? In principle, gains the benefit of being quiet / a because the child is quiet, stop messing around and ends the tantrum. Actually, the parent and / or mother are harmed from this situation, since they fall into the trap, since the child ask for more things increasingly more difficult to grant and tantrums will be greater and more intense and violent. And that by giving the parent and / or the mother on previous occasions, the child has learned that tantrums (screaming, crying, kicking ...), is a means or a tool to get what they want and also functions well.
If the parent forgives the punishment and grant the request: What are the advantages that this parent? In principle, gains the benefit of being quiet / a because the child is quiet, stop messing around and ends the tantrum. Actually, the parent and / or mother are harmed from this situation, since they fall into the trap, since the child ask for more things increasingly more difficult to grant and tantrums will be greater and more intense and violent. And that by giving the parent and / or the mother on previous occasions, the child has learned that tantrums (screaming, crying, kicking ...), is a means or a tool to get what they want and also functions well.
Consequently, the question arises, how can we act? Consider the following situation and then the sequence or step forward to resolve properly.
MOTHER ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
It's 2:10 in the afternoon. Aurora has completed work and pick up his son David's school. In the absence of time in the morning to go to the bakery before going to work, decided that when he went to pick up her son from school would move into the fresh bread.
David and his mom come into the bakery. The child stares at the display case with its rich fresh pastries (cream, chocolate, merengue ...). He asks his mother a cake but think Aurora should not buy it because when you get home go to lunch and most Chances are that if David eat the cake now, then do not feel like the food she has prepared.
It's 2:10 in the afternoon. Aurora has completed work and pick up his son David's school. In the absence of time in the morning to go to the bakery before going to work, decided that when he went to pick up her son from school would move into the fresh bread.
David and his mom come into the bakery. The child stares at the display case with its rich fresh pastries (cream, chocolate, merengue ...). He asks his mother a cake but think Aurora should not buy it because when you get home go to lunch and most Chances are that if David eat the cake now, then do not feel like the food she has prepared.
The sequence or steps to follow to resolve the situation would be:
starts request child In this example: "Mommy I want a cake? says David. Then the parent hears the claim, interpreted (as the mother in the example above, last paragraph) and decide whether to answer or not, depending mainly on the demand whether or not suitable.
From the decision of Parent there are two situations:
- There is no conflict because the parent chooses to request of child
- the conflict is created because the parent chooses not to satisfy its request.
Thus, in the former case there would be no conflict if you bought the cake Aurora David. Whereas if the mother decides not to satisfy the request if it would conflict.
From the decision of Parent there are two situations:
- There is no conflict because the parent chooses to request of child
- the conflict is created because the parent chooses not to satisfy its request.
Thus, in the former case there would be no conflict if you bought the cake Aurora David. Whereas if the mother decides not to satisfy the request if it would conflict.
If the parent chooses not to meet the demand or it has not been heard usually the child or adolescent will initiate some form of protest. In the former case
David would read: - "Not now! , I want the cake, pie, cake!
At this point it is advisable to re-listen, interpret and ask again if we decide it because in many cases react hastily or wrongly comfortably requests from children.
David would read: - "Not now! , I want the cake, pie, cake!
At this point it is advisable to re-listen, interpret and ask again if we decide it because in many cases react hastily or wrongly comfortably requests from children.
Following the example situation would happen the following: Enter a new client to the bakery, said: "Ma'am, that child is yours?". The other customers are dumb and look at each other. Mother in trouble. The David's tantrum is increasing. Aurora says: "David I said not now and do what you're not going to get you to buy now the cake. I've said that afternoon." Aurora takes the bread out of the Bakery ignoring the nagging question of the client and David to see that his mother is preparing to leave it up to her.
WITH THIS SEQUENCE WILL TEACH THE CHILD:
- that can make requests and that they are heard.
- That the parent is making efforts to properly interpret and respond to
- You can protest and to review the decision.
- that once the decision is final is useless to use very long and strong protests.
In this way we will go heading towards a democratic educational style and create children confidence in their abilities to interact socially adapted. As children get older, in adolescence, the above sequence should be added into parents' reasoning as to why a request is accepted and especially why demand is rejected. They favor explanations that children take internally (internalize) rules, realizing that they are useful and necessary. Furthermore, the explanations are also a way to control the conduct unjustified (authoritarian parenting style, or incoherent or inconsistent) by adults. However, if as we have seen in previous situations (Gustavito and his dad playing pirates, Ana Rocío and her favorite soap opera and Saturday Night Fever Sara and her messy room), do not act according to the sequence just explained we teach children that the stronger protest most likely to get what they want and create children disoriented they do not know how to relate to their parents because the children they are unable to know how parents will react to any situation or demand.
- that can make requests and that they are heard.
- That the parent is making efforts to properly interpret and respond to
- You can protest and to review the decision.
- that once the decision is final is useless to use very long and strong protests.
In this way we will go heading towards a democratic educational style and create children confidence in their abilities to interact socially adapted. As children get older, in adolescence, the above sequence should be added into parents' reasoning as to why a request is accepted and especially why demand is rejected. They favor explanations that children take internally (internalize) rules, realizing that they are useful and necessary. Furthermore, the explanations are also a way to control the conduct unjustified (authoritarian parenting style, or incoherent or inconsistent) by adults. However, if as we have seen in previous situations (Gustavito and his dad playing pirates, Ana Rocío and her favorite soap opera and Saturday Night Fever Sara and her messy room), do not act according to the sequence just explained we teach children that the stronger protest most likely to get what they want and create children disoriented they do not know how to relate to their parents because the children they are unable to know how parents will react to any situation or demand.
GUIDELINES AND CONCLUSIONS: ISSUES FOR CONSIDERATION BY THE PARENTS.
We have seen the different styles of education, of which the most suitable style is democratic.
- How to develop self-discipline of democratic style with our children / a?
- Unlike the authoritarian style is known the reasons for establishing rules, ie parents explain those reasons.
- the rules right when required, the parents explain how they are understood, as clearly as possible.
- The reasons given are intended to show the interest of the standard to which you have to obey and not to who imposes. This differs from the emotional blackmail (which is harmful to the child) where the reasons are given in terms of who sets the standard (for example, "you make me suffer," "I'll stop loving you" ... .) Democratic fashion points to objective reasons and specific behavior.
- Parents are willing to change the rule if there are good reasons.
- The rule can be debated and discussed jointly between parents and children.
- Parents and children should make the rules are consistent (logical and reasonable) and consistent (stably apply). This allows them to be known and predictable manner not in contention and argument continues.
AFFECT HOW TO ESTABLISH THE DEMOCRATIC STYLE WITH our children?
The style of education not only refers to the type of discipline but also the affection and how we express that affection to children. In this sense, one of the most essential functions of the parents is the incondiccionalidad, since children need to feel accepted and loved without condicciones. An example of how to express the unconditional parents would be the following messages :
- "I accept you and love you as you are."
- "You are unique and can always count on me."
- "If my advice and I demand it because I have a duty to help you develop your best chance."
incondiccionalidad The result is: Emotional security and proper esteem child
As the child learns that it is protected without condicciones and worthy of love and affection for their parents. Loved and esteemed by parents is the main source of confidence and self esteem: "I know I am worth that I am worthy of being loved and accepted me and others want."
guidelines to help us be incondiccionales with children :
- Learn to look and listen to children as a way of perceiving and interpreting while their claims.
- View or realistically consider the child rather than projecting upon it the expectations or the model of child that parents want to have. To do this we can see the child and get a detailed description of him or her to see positive aspects or characteristics that we would have to further develop and strengthen them.
- Demonstrating the esteem for children: talking about the actual behavior without generalizing, require adjusting to its capabilities and recognize the efforts rather than results.
We have seen the different styles of education, of which the most suitable style is democratic.
- How to develop self-discipline of democratic style with our children / a?
- Unlike the authoritarian style is known the reasons for establishing rules, ie parents explain those reasons.
- the rules right when required, the parents explain how they are understood, as clearly as possible.
- The reasons given are intended to show the interest of the standard to which you have to obey and not to who imposes. This differs from the emotional blackmail (which is harmful to the child) where the reasons are given in terms of who sets the standard (for example, "you make me suffer," "I'll stop loving you" ... .) Democratic fashion points to objective reasons and specific behavior.
- Parents are willing to change the rule if there are good reasons.
- The rule can be debated and discussed jointly between parents and children.
- Parents and children should make the rules are consistent (logical and reasonable) and consistent (stably apply). This allows them to be known and predictable manner not in contention and argument continues.
AFFECT HOW TO ESTABLISH THE DEMOCRATIC STYLE WITH our children?
The style of education not only refers to the type of discipline but also the affection and how we express that affection to children. In this sense, one of the most essential functions of the parents is the incondiccionalidad, since children need to feel accepted and loved without condicciones. An example of how to express the unconditional parents would be the following messages :
- "I accept you and love you as you are."
- "You are unique and can always count on me."
- "If my advice and I demand it because I have a duty to help you develop your best chance."
incondiccionalidad The result is: Emotional security and proper esteem child
As the child learns that it is protected without condicciones and worthy of love and affection for their parents. Loved and esteemed by parents is the main source of confidence and self esteem: "I know I am worth that I am worthy of being loved and accepted me and others want."
guidelines to help us be incondiccionales with children :
- Learn to look and listen to children as a way of perceiving and interpreting while their claims.
- View or realistically consider the child rather than projecting upon it the expectations or the model of child that parents want to have. To do this we can see the child and get a detailed description of him or her to see positive aspects or characteristics that we would have to further develop and strengthen them.
- Demonstrating the esteem for children: talking about the actual behavior without generalizing, require adjusting to its capabilities and recognize the efforts rather than results.
(M ª Belén Pérez Rico. Almadraba IES Counselor Rate)
